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The thought of staying home 'for good' after school sounds wonderful to a young girl who has graduated, and her parents are just as pleased at the idea of having their bright, young daughter around to add some freshness to their routine. If the girl is compliant and gentle, and ready to take on the role of student/friend to her parents, and if her parents are wise enough to see things from her perspective, and to realize how much of their instruction and advice she still needs, their relationship can be very sweet. But if the parents are satisfied to let their daughter settle into her new position with the concept that now's her time to get a free ride with all the benefits and comforts of home with no responsibility, then their relationship can be an embarrassment for both the girl and her parents. In spite of her sweet young innocence, the parents are disappointed that their daughter is so undeveloped in maturity. She's not very interesting to be around, poor
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girl. Her conversation is full of phrases such as, 'Oh,' 'well, 'ya know.' She has lots of illogical likes and dislikes, and, for better or worse, they form the bulk of her opinions. She seems to have learned a little bit from all those years in school, but that little bit doesn't help her in making sound judgments.
Her passions are as lacking in ethical reflection as her opinions. All of her emotional sentiment might be lavished on some outsider, usually a girlfriend or older lady she admires. Meanwhile, the people to whom she most owes her loyalty are neglected. It's the same with her sense of morals. She has an exaggerated sense of duty to things like loyalty to a girlfriend, or excessive observance of some legalistic point of doctrine, while at the same time she can be so blind to her obligations to her elders that it's almost comical, or oblivious to obedience, shirking and even outright lies. She imagines the great things she could do for some idealistic cause, but she's careless about details of kindness, things she says, and routine chores. She likes to talk about herself--what she feels, thinks, intends. Her conversation shows pathetically how blind she is to the human nature in herself that her thoughts revolve around. And this is a decent, nice girl--a girl who has every chance of developing into a fine person even if she's left to her own devices. But a little friendly help and advice might save her from a lot of blundering and regret.
There's another kind of girl who has no interests beyond cute clothes. These girls don't gush over some passion, they have no sentimental notions about duty or affection. They view the world as a place for them to have and get, but never, unless forced, as a place to do, to endure, or to share. These things are the foundations of a noble life, but they never even enter the minds of these kinds of girls. This kind of girl is often
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easier to get along with than the others because she knows what she wants and is clear about communicating it, but there's no character growth in this kind of nature. And then there are rare girls who are so sweet that, like the lilies of the field, they don't seem to need any adornment or human culture. But what can be done for the average graduate whose education is supposedly 'finished,' yet who's still rough and uninformed?
Just seeing her daughter so insufficient moves a mother as much as the appeal of a helpless infant. School hasn't completed the girl's education, it's only provided a beginning. Now the girl is home to learn how to make the most of herself, and how to succeed in life. How to make the best life is the issue she faces. A [homeschooled] girl who has been brought up and educated at home with her mother is in the same position. She also has to learn to live. She might become rich or poor, married or single--a woman's success in life doesn't depend on these circumstances. Many a wealthy woman whose children take advantage of her and whose husband ignores her knows the sorrow of a life of failure, while many a frugal woman is treated like a queen in her home, or accommodated with great respect in someone else's home. A woman who has herself under control, thinks for herself, reserves her judgments, thinks before she speaks or acts, is a woman who will succeed in life. Her success is measured in how generous her heart is, how broad her mind is, and how large her soul is.
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(a) Developing Character by Instruction--How successful a woman's life is depends on how strong the character within her is. Like any other ability, character is obtained through instruction and practice. Girls need someone to show them what they are, what they're not, how to become what they're not, and give them enough space to act and think for themselves. What they are is a fascinating subject for young girls, and open discussions about this will help them to avoid foolish and morbid sentiment. Young girls are full of vague self-consciousness. They watch the thoughts and emotions inside themselves from the sidelines with some curiosity. To their inexperienced minds, the internal stuff going on within is an unusual spectacle, and makes them secretly suspect that they're more special than other people, or, at least different than everyone else. From this suspicion comes a lot of the self-consciousness, shyness and awkwardness that are common at this age. A girl feels like an ugly duckling, unappreciated and undervalued by all the waddling ducklings around her. Yes, she'll admit, she's rather clumsy right now, but just wait until she grows into a full-fledged swan--then they'll all see!
This 'awkward' stage of self-consciousness and naive doubting self-promotion is common in all girls who are perceptive enough to recognize that there's more to them than meets the eye. But it hasn't yet occurred to them to notice what may or may not be hidden within other people. It's a symptom of moral deficiency and requires as much treatment and consistent nursing (of a moral kind) as a case of rickets. If left to herself, such a girl might become critical,
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morbid and overly emotional. The years that should have been spent laying the foundations for solid character are wasted. Many short-tempered, jealous, demanding women owe their ruined lives to the fact that nobody ever taught them to have an accurate assessment of themselves or others. Only a few girls are really lost--many are graciously saved. But this doesn't make it any less important or urgent for the mother to see her child safely through the turbulent waters of adolescence.
The best antidote for girls is a course of moral and mental science study. It doesn't have to be a profound course, just enough for them to see where they really are in relation to others. A girl's noble dream of doing something important or noble someday (although she's ready to accept the admiration for it now!) is shared in one form or another by every person in the world. After all, the desire for power or goodness are common to us all. The generous impulse within her that compels her to stick up for a friend who isn't there to defend herself and say passionate things in her defense, is no reason to be proud and feel a sense of superior virtue. Her reaction is no more than an impulse of the emotions of goodwill and justice that are born in every human heart.
When a girl has learned how much of her nature is common to everyone else in the world, she'll be more apt to view her secret self with less awe and admiration, and to view others with more respect. After all, her fault hasn't been foolish pride, it's just that she's been filled with sincere, bewildered wonder at the good, noble qualities that she's discovered in her own nature. Her only fault has been the understandable mistake of thinking that these are unique to her and make her exceptional. How is it possible that others around her could
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have the same qualities and yet there's so little that comes of it? She should be affirmed that, yes, the possibilities she dreams of, and even more, are indeed within her. But those possibilities are also in everyone else. It isn't what's within her that she'll be judged on, but what she makes of herself.
The fact is, a life of exciting activity and lots of responsibility is the best way to develop character, good or bad. But almost no women live that kind of a life, and even those few don't until they reach maturity. Provide a way for girls to learn what they could only learn otherwise through first-hand experience--teach her the rules and methods of knowing about her own human nature, since you can't provide the circumstances for her to learn it first-hand through life experiences. I won't go over those rules and methods here since I already wrote about that in detail [Ourselves, volume 4 of the CM Series]. In this way, the girl will learn about the nature of the appetites, affections, emotions and desires that motivate people to do what they do. She'll learn about the amazing power of habit. We aren't born with it, we have to come by it ourselves, yet it has more power than any or even all of the inborn tendencies that we act on. She'll learn about the demanding character of the human will. A person's will rules him, yet it has to be controlled and trained by the person. She'll learn what the conscience's jobs are, and what conditions are necessary to develop the spiritual life. By the time the girl has a little bit of practical knowledge about these great concepts, even though it will only be a fragment of what there is to know about them, she'll be able to consider her own nature and temperament, and get something worthwhile out of that kind of reflection. Instead of encouraging the habit of brooding introspection, this kind of thinking about herself is the very best way to
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prevent or even correct that bad habit. She won't compare herself with herself any more, or judge herself by her own standard. Instead, she'll know what the benefits and risks of human nature are, and she'll be able to think objectively about herself, deal with herself wisely, and she'll be in a better position to value her parents' counsel.
(b) Practice: Developing Character by Doing--The counsel that a girl's parents give her are a great help in the small practical affairs of life. They shouldn't tell her what to do so much as what the principles are that she should act on. For example, a girl might go to the clothing store. She looks at this, then that, she chooses one dress, and then changes her mind and chooses another one, then she decides that she doesn't want either of them. Finally, in despair, she turns to her mother and says, 'You pick something for me.' That's unacceptable, it shows a kind of failure in life. Her mother determines to correct this fault. Before they even go shopping, she applies her reason and tells her daughter what principles are important in deciding on a dress. A dress needs to be pretty, flattering on the girl, appropriate for the occasion it's needed for, and it has to go with whatever the girl needs to wear with it. Now when they get to the store, the girl knows exactly what she's looking for. She can reject the wrong thing and consider only what will work. It's easier to make a judgment because the decision is based on some principles that were already determined with some logic. Also, the girl's will steps in and accepts that the decision is final. She won't allow even a twinge of regret later for the cute outfit that she saw, but didn't buy. When it comes to developing the ability to make decisions, even a leap in the dark, such as Sydney Smith's maid Bunch made when she promptly chose between venison and wild duck when she had never tasted either, is better than the endless dilly-dallying, hemming and hawing, asking for opinions, and procrastinating that some women
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spend their whole lives doing--to the annoyance of their friends.
Or, a girl might be prone to dawdling. Writing a letter or doing some household chore seems to be taking all afternoon. An hour is spent doing what should only take fifteen minutes. Lack of attention is probably the fault that the mother will need to correct. Many active, energetic mothers bring up daughters who dawdle because the mother is so good at management, and so quick to plan the chores and entertainments of everyone around her, that the only way her daughter can squeeze in a moment to herself is to dawdle. Unfortunately, this leads to small deceptions, and storybooks read in secret--all the kinds of passive tactics that weaker people use to deal with stronger ones.
Dealing with her growing daughter is a very delicate task for the mother. The only way she can be of any help at this point is as an ally and confidante. A wise mother will stay in the background and refuse to take on her daughter's responsibility to direct her own affairs. She'll look for opportunities to give an encouraging word or approving look every time she sees a sign of improvement. She'll be gentle about her daughter's failings, remembering that, as upsetting as failures are, when it comes to honor and integrity, even failures usually come from the very moral weakness that she's trying to strengthen.
When she discovers this kind of fault within her daughter, a wise mother won't overwhelm her daughter with shame. Her own maternal distress will be apparent, but the girl should understand that her mother's sadness is because she shares her daughter's sorrow, and is upset for her sake. What's the source of the girl's fault? She doesn't have a proper sense of the sacredness of truth, and she has an undue fear of the consequences--in this case, the consequences are mostly loss of her mother's esteem. The girl is betrayed into making a deliberate lie. She claims she hasn't written the letter she was supposed to write,
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or said whatever she was supposed to say, when you know very well that she has done it. Such a girl should be dealt with gently. After all, she's no longer a child who can be punished or disgraced whenever her parents see fit. It's only her own conscience that she has to face now. But don't leave her with the sense that it's hopeless and there's nothing more that can be done for her this late in the game. Her conscience and intellect are still not fully matured, and her will is still weak. Give her some simple, sincere teaching about the nature of truth. Explain what truth is--the simple statement of facts as they really are. Everything that comes out of our mouths deals with facts. Therefore, the obligation of truth falls on all of our words. We should never open our mouths without speaking the truth. Even a trifling joke that misleads someone else is a lie. Perfect truth in thought, speech and deed is an obligation placed on us by God Himself. The obligation to be truthful is binding, not just with our friends, but with everyone we talk to.
A Christian mother will want to add even deeper teaching about God, who is Truth, and from whom all truth comes. She'll advise her daughter to be truthful about her own state of being. The girl might sometimes say she's 'fine, thank you,' when she actually has a headache, or that she'll 'be done in just a minute,' when the task will take a half hour. These departures from fact just slip out without thinking. That's why it's so important to think first, before speaking. But do such trifling details really matter? And if they do, who is so faithful about them that they can 'cast the first stone'? Most of us could probably stand some improvement in this matter, but every guard that a girl can put on her words is helpful if she doesn't have a profound sense of truth. It can help her to train herself to have the kind of truthful habits that help her to develop truthful character. Then, train the girl by trusting her. Always believe her. If you give
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her opportunities to make herself speak the truth, then her own courage will meet the challenge and rise to the occasion.
A very basic list of the duties that relate to truth, and the faults that are actually various forms of lying, can be helpful and instructive. The girl's heart will rise and resolve to do better when she learns that accuracy is truthfulness in common conversation that's careful to state even the most trivial fact as it actually is, simplicity is relating a story without drawing admiration or pity to oneself, sincerity is telling the complete truth purely, no matter how much might be gained by keeping back any part of it, candor is the habit of being open and free about our own affairs, which is what we owe to those we live with, and loyalty is being faithful in both important things and trivial things, and is a necessary part of having a truthful character.
wrote Wordsworth about the girl who was developing into the 'perfect woman.' Sometimes the mothers who are the most determined to make their daughters skillful and capable at 'doing household chores' forget the 'steps of pure, innocent liberty.' In order for a girl to become a free woman with confidence in her opinions, she needs to be used to having some liberty. I don't mean license, but liberty, and she needs to be accountable about how she uses her liberty. She should be allowed to schedule her day however she likes, but she needs to be accountable to her mother for finishing her day's tasks. She should be allowed to decide which books to read, but her mother should know what her choices are. She should have the freedom to choose her own
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friends, but her mother should define the principles she uses in making her choices, and provide enough responsibilities at home to prevent her friends from having too much of her time. She should have some money of her own, starting with a small allowance that she has to use for certain necessary expenses, as well as personal spending money, and savings for gifts and charity. As soon as she can be trusted with more, she should get enough of an allowance to pay for her own clothes. That way she can learn to be sensible by having to do without necessities when she wastes her money on frivolous, unnecessary purchases. Another reason she should have her own money is so that she can learn while she's still young the joy and the personal cost of giving. Perhaps she'll grow up with the habit of setting aside a specific portion of her meager income to help those in need.
Taking care of her own health is another responsibility that should be turned over to the young lady. She's never too young to learn that good health isn't only a blessing, it's also a responsibility. All of us can do something proactive to maintain more or less sound health, and it's inexcusable when we don't do the things we know that will make us healthier. Any short books about health will give her the basic principles of cleanliness and health--daily showers with some vigorous rubbing of the skin, enough regular exercise outside in the fresh air, active use of arms and legs, moderate habits of eating and sleeping, keeping the bedroom well ventilated, airing out undergarments every night, scheduling regular times for mental work that's challenging but not excessive, determining to repress ugly tempers and unkind thoughts--it takes all of these to have a sound mind and a healthy body.
Keeping ourselves sound and healthy
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is something we're each responsible for. A girl who eats too much, or who eats the wrong foods and makes herself sick, or a girl who sits for hours buried in a novel so that her eyes, mind and body suffer, are both guilty of the same sin that leads to suicide, although a milder form of it. All of us, especially when we're young, are prone to neglect our accountability in the area of our own health. We tend to think that our health is ours to do whatever we want with. Yet no error is as surely and as promptly punished by natural consequences than neglecting to observe the most basic rules of health.
'Don't forsake your own friend, or your father's friend.' [Prov. 27:10] The duty of maintaining polite, kind relationships to friends and relatives far and near with letters, visits, or attention is good for youths. It helps them to develop the general kindliness in their spirit when the strength of their personal emotions to motivate follow-through can sometimes fail them.
The conduct of a girl who's been raised well will pretty much take care of itself. By conduct I mean how the girl behaves in various circumstances. But in this area, just like in other even more important matters,
A wise mother will find opportunities to bring up with her daughter the importance of forethought, restraint, self-control, and the obligation to be considerate of other people. The principles of duty that guide a girl's conduct at home are so simple and basic that it's not necessary for me to say much
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about the customs of life that should be adhered to at home with the family as much as in anyone else's company. If something is improper during a formal visit, then it's just as improper at home.
Whether she's waiting at the bus stop, enjoying a symphony concert, at the mall, or any public place she frequents, a young girl has a distinct role and she should familiarize herself with the right way to play her part. It wouldn't be good for her to go around in the world with her mouth open in bewilderment, wide eyes staring, looking every which way and saying the first thing that comes into her mind, like an overwhelmed child at a carnival. But isn't it better for girls to act naturally in public, as they do ay home? Unfortunately, none of us can afford to behave completely naturally, except in areas where proper behavior has become such an ingrained habit that it's automatic. With privilege comes responsibility: dignified girlhood means a subdued gaze, quiet, reserved expression, gentle tones when speaking, discreetness about expressing surprise, amazement, pleasure, or interest. It isn't necessary for a girl to do anything unusual to attract a second look because, besides little children, there's nothing as interesting in public as a young girl on the brink of womanhood. Her mere presence will attract attention, but it wouldn't be proper to do something obtrusive to draw attention.
The average passer-by in public has a right to a gentle expression on a girl's face that might be reserved but is never off-putting, and to courtesy or even docility in her tone and manner during any chance encounter. This is even more important if it's a man dressed in work clothes than a professional man. It's worth
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while to remember Napoleon's attitude as he moved aside to allow a charcoal-carrier to pass: 'Ma'am, respect the one bearing the burden.' If a girl only pretends to show regard for the working class when she's dressed in her sporting clothes, it will be obvious artificial pretense. Such respect needs to be natural as a result of being raised with the concept of her obligations to herself and her community. And this distinguishing mark of a true lady can usually only come from a mother.
The proper way to act in society is a fascinating question to a young girl who's about to 'come out' in society. There's so much to consider about this subject that whole books have been written about it, but the basic principle is simple. In proper society, just like any other public place, a girl whose mother has taught her to respect herself and respect others, won't make any embarrassing mistakes. As she enters any room, she'll bring the conviction that she owes respect and consideration to anyone she might meet. She'll be able to move easily, speak with quiet confidence, and control herself with the best manners. She won't be obsessed with the respect that's due to her, but she'll realize that every person in the room has equal right to her courtesy and the respect of each other. Whoever is conversing with her at the moment is entitled to her immediate mindfulness. She'll be reserved and self-respecting when she talks to those who are above her socially, and submissive when talking to people below her in society. The self-respect she owes herself, and the respect she owes others will motivate her behave with simplicity,
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courtesy, and calm poise that she uses when she talks to other women. In fact, these two principles will carry her with dignity and grace in any social occasion no matter who she's with.
And what should a mother do to enhance her daughter's self-esteem? Should she tell her outright that she's clever, pretty, charming, and that no one can help but like her? If she does, her daughter might very well grow into a forward young woman. No, the mother shouldn't praise her daughter for anything but routine accomplishments. She should treat every person she comes in contact with respect because she's a woman, or because she's a lady, or because she's a guest, or a fellow-guest, or a stranger, or a friend--positions like these should be all the reason she needs to show courteous attention to anyone she meets in public. A person who is quietly confident about claims like these will rarely receive a rebuff in response. Anything a girl receives or gives beyond that on the basis of her personal merit will take care of itself. The important thing to settle in a girl's mind is a due sense of what she has a right to, and what she owes others.
Now we need to consider a confusing issue that needs to be settled as a young girl finishes her school education. There are two rivals that want to claim her time and attention--pleasure and duty. The question is, what should be allowed for each, and how much can they clash? A girl who's constantly being invited to picnics, tennis, dances, concerts, dinners or parties might have tender-hearted parents who are apt to let her neglect duty and allow her to spend all of her time on frivolous pleasure. They say things like, 'After all,
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she only has one youth.' 'It's her time to enjoy.' 'We remember what it's like to be young; let her have a good time and enjoy herself while she has the opportunity.' 'If we restrict her from indulging herself now, she'll only crave good times all the more. Let her have her fun and sow her wild oats now. Then she'll be more ready to settle down to a quiet life later.'
But before they allow their daughter to take on the role of
they would do well to consider the matter carefully. For one thing, the result could jeopardize all of the benefits of the girl's entire education. It would have been just as serious to have let her do nothing but play since her infancy as it would be to let her play constantly now. After all, what she gained from her education isn't just the geography, science and French that she learned. In fact, she'll forget those things unless the paths to that knowledge are kept active with frequent mental traffic. But the even more important thing she took from her education is her ability to pay focused attention, apply consistent effort, and give her best intellectual and moral effort. Habits that are allowed to go unused might as well have never been formed. Abilities that aren't exercised grow weak and end up being lost. Everything that was gained in years of school training can be lost in a single year. And this is why girls who have supposedly received a good education never read anything meatier than shallow or trashy novels, don't make intelligent companions, and show very little evidence of moral effort.
As far as settling down to a quiet life later, that isn't the point. Once she's lost all the good habits she learned in school, she'll have to start from the very beginning to get back to where she was, only now she'll be older and it
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will be harder for her to acquire habits and develop abilities than it was when she was little. As I've said before, the taste for parties, entertainment and organized amusement needs more and more to satisfy the desire. It displaces the habit of being able to enjoy the many simple pleasures of home life such as evening readalouds, board games by the fire with the children, homespun music, and chatting with friendly neighbors. As Wordsworth wrote,
and one of the disadvantages of constant parties and excitements is that it can blind a person to what real pleasure is and what it takes to experience it. Pure and true pleasure happens when you least expect it. It's a stray gift that's found, not sought after. It's just something that you happen to stumble upon as you're going along your way.
So, then, what about parents who have the opposite tendency and demand that their daughters stay at home and help their mothers? After all, they reason, they never wasted their time on idle pleasure, and neither will their daughters. They had responsibilities to attend to at home, and so will their daughters, because 'no good comes from gallivanting around town.'
But there's another perspective these parents should consider. It's good to keep in mind that you can't expect a young girl to think like an older person. Young things need to frolic, whether they're kittens or lambs or young girls. The activities that seem like deliberate attempts to seek pleasure for older people are, for young people,
Fun parties are so appealing to young girls because they provide opportunities for them to meet others like them,
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other young people that they rejoice to be with simply because 'it's in their nature to.' Prospero [Shakespeare's The Tempest] wasn't enough for his daughter Miranda. Birds of a feather flock together. Young people crave the company of other young people.
The trick is finding balance and knowing where to draw the line. Neither extreme is healthy. Girls need definite responsibilities that leisure activities are rarely allowed to encroach upon. Perhaps there could be a limit of one evening out a week, or two, and certain evenings could be reserved for family time, mornings for routine activities and chores, and a rule forbidding any kind of evening outings that render the girl useless the next morning. But suggesting rules about this is really presumptuous. Mothers know what's best for their own daughters, and will surely remember that,
Now let's consider an issue that gets overlooked too often when raising girls. It seems normal for a girl to have opinions about things like dieting, style, fashion and home furnishings, but who cares what she thinks about public figures, political issues, books and events? Yet her opinions on these things does matter to the world. Even if she isn't the mother of future fathers and mothers, her influence will be felt in some way.
Young ladies should receive some general training and special preparation to help them form fair, just opinions. For starters, a girl should be encouraged to use her common sense to weigh issues that come up. The parent might ask, 'What do you think about such-and-such?' and then tease her good-naturedly if her thinking is foolish. But the
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special preparation requires a little more thought and planning. What are the issues and subjects that thinking people should have an opinion about? These are the things that young ladies should know enough about to form a sensible opinion.
First of all, a girl's success depends a lot on the relationships with other people that she associates with. She needs some understanding of character and human motives. Therefore, for the sake of her own developing character as much as for guiding principles on which to choose friends, every girl should take a basic course in moral philosophy. Everyone knows how easy it is for girls to be swept away by the way things are said until they find themselves attached to an unworthy friend, or a no-good lover. If she has no defense against bad logic, how can she possibly protect herself from lines like--'That's what everyone thinks these days!' or 'That's such an old-fashioned concept of modesty', or 'A person's first responsibility is to take care of himself; if everyone did that, nobody would be a burden to other people.'
Young women should also know something about the principles of political economy. So many women are quick to remark casually that 'it would be good for business if an earthquake destroyed all the houses in London,' or 'If all the landlords in England didn't collect rent from their tenants, the price of bread would come down,' or 'England would be a richer country if there were gold mines under the ground instead of coal and iron.' In fact, women tend to fall into any one of the little traps that Mrs. Fawcett sets for the unwary in her book Political Economy for Beginners which is as interesting as it is educational. Any girl who studies it with some thought and effort will be able to form sensible opinions about some of the current issues that
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are used these days, not just as matters of opinion, but as reasons to justify one social class's superiority over another. It would be good for England if educated women had fair and just ideas about these kinds of issues, not just so they can have something interesting and valuable to say to their husbands and brothers, but so that they can present a different perspective to the men in their lives, and influence them to see a different side of the issue. Often, a man's own situation might incline him to only look at things from his own personal standpoint.
There might be a ministry opening up for educated women. There needs to be a mediator between working men and business owners/managers. An educated, sensible woman might be able to persuade the owner to have patience with his workers, and, at the same time, help the workers to understand the difficulties and responsibilities of running a business. A woman with tact, sympathy, and quick intuition would be perfect for the task of mediating if she made the effort to gather the information she needed to qualify herself. She wouldn't even have to leave her personal sphere of family life and meddle with public affairs--but she might be able to discuss the issues with understanding and compassion with the wife of the business owner, if not the owner himself, during her regular social calls. Even a single comment that shows a real grasp of the issue spoken to someone she knows might be the spark that turns the tide of public opinion amongst a whole community of working-class people.
Women have lately been demanding their rights [women's right to vote was passed in England in 1918-1928; this book was written in 1906], and men have mostly been generous and gentle in meeting their demands. Women have so many rights these days that they can no longer justifiably claim the kind of immunities that secluded harem wives can. We aren't free to say, 'Oh, these things are beyond me; I let the men worry about those kinds of issues.' It's possible that God's Providence has brought women to the forefront in this age so that they'll be
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ready to act as mediators in these days when there's a dangerous risk of alienation and enmity between social classes. Some thinking people are convinced that we're in the early stages of a revolution. Whether this revolution can happen peacefully without the bloodshed and horrors of other recent revolutions may depend, more than they realize, on the women of England. At any rate, it's time for women to put away the trivial attitude that 'doesn't care for these kinds of things.'
It's not just in the social arena that a revolution is brewing. There is a dread of a great darkness overseas. Christianity is being challenged, and, even worse, the most basic belief in and worship of the Almighty God is under attack. The coming judgment, physical resurrection of our human bodies, everlasting life--these fundamental doctrines of the Christian faith are being dismissed, not only by irreverent people living immoral lives, but by people who are considered good and wise!
How are young girls supposed to prepare themselves to face this kind of moral crisis? First of all, it's not a good idea to shelter them from the anxious questions being discussed. Their enthusiasm and love will be ignited even more when they realize that, once again, Christianity and paganism seem to be heading towards another agonizing conflict right at our doors. But let their zeal be guided by knowledge. Lay thorough foundations for their faith. It's not so important that they know the difference between the Church and Dissent, or between High and Low and Broad Church. It's much more important that they fully know in whom they have believed, and what grounds their faith rests on. Give them sincere intellectual work to think about. Let them feel how necessary it is to brace up every faculty of their minds to understand the
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width and depth of the truths they're called to believe in. Don't let them grow up thinking that Christian literature consists of nothing but sentiment and emotional appeals, and intellect and the mind belong to the secular realm on the other side. Provide them with books of real caliber to give their intellects something to grapple with. That's very important, because the risk is that youths whose spiritual lives haven't awakened yet might come to feel that they're superior to the Christian faith that seems so simple and arrogant.
One more thing: don't let young girls maintain the notion that 'no one is responsible for what he believes, he's only responsible for what he does.' Test this idea for a minute by applying it to social relationships. Try saying that a man isn't obligated to believe in his wife's faithfulness, or his child's obedience, or in the routine ethics of the people he deals with every day. If the principle was applied to real life, the whole framework of society would fall apart. The fact is, our whole system, both commercial and social, is based on a system of credit that's kept afloat because of the limitless faith that one man places in another man. The very fact that a defaulter outrages us only proves how true most men are to the trust placed in them. If a rural farmer hides his money under his mattress because he's afraid to put his faith in the banking system, he's laughed at and called a miser. A man who refuses to have anything to do with his neighbors because he's afraid to trust anyone is called a cynic, and considered fit only to live as a recluse. No matter how much a man's trust may have been abused, if he won't place due faith in his fellow man, he's treated as an outcast. What, then, can be said about a person who lifts his head towards God, his Creator, Father, Preserver, Redeemer, closest Friend and always-present Judge, and says, 'I don't believe in You because I can't see You or understand You'?
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I'm not going to go out of my way to stress how strongly this attitude must be avoided. For the sake of their children who aren't born yet, make sure that girls are brought up to hate and dread this ugly sin of disbelief. When it comes to issues that aren't vital, they should be gentle and tolerant. They should have a firm grasp on why they believe that their own view is true, but they should leave it up to others to decide for themselves how to approach and serve God. But when it comes to the being, nature, and work of God the Father, Son and Holy Spirit, and our relationship of loving and serving Him, there's no room for tolerance of adverse opinions, even from those whose opinions we respect. 'A person's doctrines must be correct if his life is going to be right,' is just the kind of fallacy that youths should learn to examine.
As far as evidence for God's existence, this needs no proof. Every heart that beats in the universe is a witness to God's existence, if we'll admit it, because it can't exist without God. Why aren't people as eager to challenge the existence of the sun? Yet apologetic books like Paley's Natural Theology and Butler's Analogy can be useful, even if it's only to show how many logical-sounding arguments have been answered a long time ago.
I haven't left much space to even glance for a moment at the pursuits and activities that are appropriate for young ladies still living at home. It's becoming more normal on the main continent of Europe, and, to some extent, here in England, for schools to teach girls the basics of maintaining a home--although that might be an invasion of the mother's jurisdiction. Every woman should understand and know how to do every
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task related to cooking, cleaning, mending or making in the home. A regular instruction time learning to do these things under her mother's guiding eye would be a good way to spend an hour or two every morning. One valuable and extremely useful project is a household book where the young girl writes down exactly how to do specific things, like how to strip a floor, or how to make an omelet. She should write down the exact steps she took herself to do it, or as she observed while watching someone else do it, noting any special circumstances specific to her own house. This kind of reference will be invaluable later because it contains personal experiences, and it will help her to speak authoritatively to her cook or servant who might say, 'I never heard of anyone doing it like that before, ma'am.' Planning meals, setting a proper table, every detail about managing a household for a week or a month, should all be taught and noted in her book.
If there are still younger children at home, the girl has a definite advantage. The details of managing children--cleanliness, ventilation, brightness, health and happiness--is a science. If there aren't any children still at home, it's worth arranging for her to learn these things by spending time with a friend who does a good job managing the affairs of her young children. As far as sewing, every woman should know how to sew clothing for herself and her children--everything including nice dresses. It's worth the time to learn how to cut out a pattern scientifically, and she needs to learn it by doing it. Yet she shouldn't spend more than an hour a day sewing. Most household duties require some healthy physical
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activity, but spending a lot of time in front of the sewing machine isn't good for a young girl.
Besides, she can't afford to spend too much valuable time sewing. Her academic education has hardly gotten started in school, and it needs to progress. She needs to develop her own independent habits of intellectual effort. She should have one or two hours every morning for nothing but solid reading. English literature is still mostly unknown her, so she'll need some of that. She has a lot of history to read--ancient, medieval and modern--and that will relate better when she compares it to her own current history. She probably learned to read some French and German in school, and now is a good time to introduce her to some French and German literature. She'll probably only find time for the best of the novels, the ones that have become classics, except for those occasions when she has a cold or earache or has a spare half hour after dinner. It's very helpful to have a 'commonplace book' or reading journal at hand while reading so that she can jot down any notable thoughts about the author, or her own impression of the book, or a portion of it. But it shouldn't be used for summarizing facts. If this kind of journal is kept diligently all her life, it will be extremely interesting later as a record of her intellectual history. Besides, we never forget a book we've written things down from, and taken the time to write a short review from.
Two or three hours should be spent on some kind of vigorous outdoor exercise, or long walk in the country, or a game like tennis or softball. A walk is interesting if there's some purpose to it, and that's where botany can be a benefit. At almost any season of the year, there's something to be seen in some out-of-way spot to add to a collection sampling some order of plants. If a girl isn't especially interested in
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botany or painting, she might look for some detail of nature, or bit of scenic landscape to describe in writing. This kind of literary effort is both useful and pleasant, and a record of these writings will be a valued treasure years later.
You can see that a young girl still living at home has so much to get done, plus her social obligations, so there's no time for dawdling. In fact, she should make up a schedule for herself to plan her day carefully so she can squeeze in everything she wants to do.
The activities I've indicated are all mostly with self-culture in mind, but they'll be more useful and more appealing if they're proposed to her as works of love and service. Household duties and sewing are obviously helpful in the home, but everything she does--walking, reading, and especially music--can be counted as contributions towards the good of the family, or the neighbors, both rich and poor. A girl who knows something about wildflowers, for example, will be a popular walking companion with all kinds of people in various circumstances. Teaching Sunday School, house visits to the poor, some kind of regular, challenging and even difficult effort for the uneducated or needy should be part of every girl's life. It should never be set aside lightly to make time for something else. We only learn to do by doing, and we can only learn to serve by serving. It's increasingly believed that an ideal Christian life is a life of service.
Later I'll detail the importance of specific training to qualify a girl for a particular
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kind of service career, such as teaching or nursing or general church work. But if she doesn't have that kind of training, then her mother might make 'I serve' the motto of her daughter's life in order to give her life some distinction beyond social popularity. She should guide her daughter down a specific type of helpfulness that she can throw herself into with her youthful energy.
'Write my name down as someone who loves his fellow man!' is indeed the cry of all of those who are sincere-minded. Qualifying a girl for a specific kind of service, such as helping in a homeless shelter, candy striping at the hospital, helping the blind or handicapped, giving her life in some way to something beyond herself that doesn't advance her personally, is probably the kindest and wisest thing that a mother can do for her daughter.
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This consideration brings up an issue that's puzzling to fathers as heads of the household. What should they do for their daughters? It's not so difficult with sons--they usually go to college or get some kind of special training to prepare for their profession. They're started immediately so that they'll be prepared for the first opportunity that will lead them to a successful career.
But what about a daughter who graduates at age eighteen? She might have an older sister who appears to be staying at home permanently who's already her mother's right-hand man and who's so much identified with the family that her place seems to be already marked out. The second daughter finds nothing useful that needs to be done, so she enjoys her new sense of leisure and irresponsibility at first. Every girl should have a taste of this kind of free time for the same reason that a grocer gives his new employee all the free cakes and cheese he can eat--so that he doesn't crave them any more. The girl plays tennis, goes to parties, is allowed to socialize as much as her parents can comfortably arrange. In her free time, she does a bit of painting, plays around at the piano, reads a little French and a lot of novels. Her mother asks her to do some housework from time to time, and she does that fairly diligently, but that doesn't happen often enough to require all of her energy or resolution. Maybe she's given the job of doing the family sewing. But that kind of work comes in spurts, and everybody chips in to help with it. Anyway, the labor of always working as a seamstress would be unbearable to a spirited girl with an education. The daughter isn't leading a life of idleness. The things she has to do are spread out pretty evenly over the day, although a busy woman could easily get them all done in a spare hour or two. The girl enjoys quite a bit of
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free time and fun, and the parents view her situation contentedly, glad that she has the luxury to enjoy her youth.
For a few months, or even a year or two, this is fun. But in a year or two, life becomes a burden. Dancing with the same people, playing the same games, saying and listening to the same chit-chat month after month becomes unbearable. But then, someone objects, she has her work at home, and additional tasks could easily be found for her to do. But it's not as easy as that. The mother doesn't want to give up her own jobs. She's already discovered that, of life's two joys, work and the duty of our calling is much better than play. Besides, a girl needs more than routine household tasks. She needs a career. She needs work that depends on her to do it, and can't be done without her, and will bring her honor to do it--maybe even a paycheck. Is it enough for her to 'improve her mind'? Modern education doesn't tend to make girls love knowledge for its own sake. Even what girls do on their own to improve their minds tends to be too sporadic and aimless to be of much benefit or pleasure, unless the old prod comes into play--the need to make high marks in some public exam.
So, what is the poor girl supposed to do with her craving for a life's work, which is a natural desire for every adult, male or female? There have been some unfair things said about girls of this [Victorian] era, but she deserves more understanding than she gets. People forget that her faults are the result of not having any outlet for the energy that nature gave her. It used to be that there was only one career available to a girl of the lower or middle class. She had to wait until her prince came by and threw her his handkerchief. A girl who has more
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energy and ambition than modesty or breeding recognizes her opportunity. She won't wait around for her prince to throw his handkerchief to the wrong maiden and leave her out in the cold with nothing to do, nothing to look forward to for the rest of her life. She won't let that happen; she'll make sure he knows who to throw his hankie to. And thus her 'career' begins--a 'man hunt,' people call it, and she makes an ugly spectacle of herself.
A well-brought-up girl will hardly dare to admit even to herself that she dreams of having the best of all careers for a woman--the career of being a wife and mother. She's too humble and modest to make it the one goal she lives in hope for. In fact, it isn't totally up to her--her fate in this depends so much on the inclinations of someone else, that it's pointless to allow herself to set her hopes on it seriously, although her girlish romantic tendencies might make her mind wander innocently to love stories like Romeo and Juliet. Besides these sweet dreams that may seem half illicit and a little risqué to a pure-minded girl, the future is a blank void. She needs something substantial, something beyond the
of daily housework, routine amusements and family affections. It's natural for the human species, just like every other species, to leave the nest. When the suitable age comes and the overgrown nestling doesn't leave its nest, it becomes a disheartened bird.
A girl needs a real career, a distinct direction in the path of life for her own feet to follow, as much as any young man does. But the current thinking is that girls will be provided for, while boys have to be capable of supporting themselves and a
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family with their own honest work. But that's not the point. People are beginning to realize that human happiness depends as much on worthwhile, meaningful work as on wages. It's real work that a girl craves--work of her very own. To be kept at home waiting for a career as a wife and mother that might or might not come to her, and that she isn't supposed to go out and aggressively seek, isn't fair to her. A weak-minded girl will mope and get depressed. A strong-minded girl will take matters into her own hands and mark out an erratic life path for herself. A good girl will make the most of whatever work there is for her to do, but often she'll harbor profound yearnings for some more definite, recognized work.
And the worst part of all is that these daughters living at home aren't being qualified so that they can fill a place in this work/career world any time in the future. Already, untrained labor is being paid less. Nobody is needed to do a job they aren't specially trained to do. This seems to me to be the solution for the question, 'What should we do with our family of grown daughters?' It's not enough for them to learn to cook a little, sew a little, and do laundry. Every one of the girls should receive some definite, thorough training in some art or profession that will enable her to earn her own living doing something useful for the world, and something interesting and enjoyable to herself, as all skilled work of the mind or hands is. I think that parents owe this to their daughters as much as they do to their sons. There is valuable training available in many fields of work suitable for women, and at about the same cost as it takes to support a girl at home. Whether the girl actually puts her training to work by getting a job in that field will depend on circumstances--and whether the prince throws her the handkerchief! But it doesn't matter; her training won't be wasted if she gets married. Besides the special
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aptitude she's acquired, she'll be more confident, stronger in character, and better able to do any kind of work. I don't think I need to list the areas that a girl can get training for--art, music, teaching, nursing, and even greater careers for girls who are more ambitious and better educated. But I'd like to make a plea for teaching in an elementary school. It's a humble job but is immensely useful. [I suspect she specifically means being a CM teacher, not just a certified teacher in the public school system.]
I'd also like to make a plea for becoming trained to do work that's too often done by poor, under-educated women. I'm talking about the truly honorable, often pleasant job of being a governess for a family [once again, I suspect that Charlotte Mason is suggesting that girls get trained at her House of Education to become CM governesses.] As parents become more and more aware of the importance of balanced, all around training for their children, the position of governess will become more and more lucrative and enjoyable for a girl who has been trained to develop and guide character in the right direction, and tutor using sound, reasoned methods. In fact, parental awareness is already happening to such an extent that the job of specially trained governess is currently the most sought-after and well-paid job for women.
But I don't want my readers to think that I'm like the fox who lost his tail in a trap and then tried to persuade the other foxes to cut their tails off by telling them that life is better without the hassle of a tail. [I'm not trying to persuade women to train for careers because I'm a working woman myself.] I can back up my position with evidence. I've heard from lots of women who have received professional training, partly to gain the discipline that such training provides, and partly to satisfy a craving to be actively involved in the world's work. Unless a woman managing her home and raising her children is reckless and self-indulgent, her circumstances will bring out whatever is strong and lovely in her feminine nature, But when a girl is still living
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at home, her parents have to be creative to keep her disciplined. They can't be battling with a grown daughter to keep her from the dawdling, procrastinating, self-indulgent habits that girls tend to fall into if they don't have any pressing responsibilities. She's too old to be treated like a child with strict discipline; she's an adult and they need to treat her on friendly, equal terms.
Young women want autonomy, and the discipline of work that they and they alone are responsible for. Tasks at home that don't make much difference if they get done or not, or that somebody else will do if they neglect them, aren't the same. A year or two at home in between graduation and this specialized training that I'm talking about is fine, as it gives parents time to really enjoy their daughters, gives the daughters a chance to enjoy life at home, and provides an opportunity to correct any bad attitudes or habits that the girl might have picked up at school. But if a girl knows that she'll be going for special training for a job of her own, she'll be motivated by the idea of a definite plan for her future, and she'll use whatever responsibilities she has now to prepare her for that future. This gives her incentive to exert some effort. The important thing is that she maintains the habit of intellectual, ethical, spiritual and physical effort. And whatever special training or job she receives doesn't have to prevent her from getting married. Girls these days don't get married as young as they used to, so a girl has some time to get trained and start a career before the wedding date. Also, a girl who has a life with passionate interests and confidence will be more attractive than a girl who's become stale from always waiting around at home.
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I'm sorry if I seem to be taking advantage of my position to emphasize what looks like a one-sided perspective of an important issue. There are many who feel as I do. Many enlightened men are making sure that their daughters receive professional training as thoroughly as their sons--not because they can't afford to support their daughters, but because they feel an obligation to start their girls, as well as their boys, on a useful career. Besides, this seems like the best answer to the question, What should we do for our daughters? Households with dependent adult daughters living at home aren't productive. It's not a natural situation, and doesn't help a girl to develop to her best potential. Unless the home is unusually well-managed with wisdom, a 'life of luxury' at home with no real work will necessarily lead to some deterioration in the girl's character.
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